Honestly, I'm Fine

The Performance of Being Chill

“You seem so calm.” I’ve heard it all my life. But what if being chill isn’t a personality trait? What if it’s a performance?

Calm on the Outside, Chaos on the Inside

People describe me as calm, collected, and stoic. But if you really knew me, you’d know I’m just quiet because I’m running five mental tabs at once. I rehearse most of my interactions before they happen. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. I’m not calm or collected. I’m just thinking.

I know my relaxed face looks like an angry one. I know my text messages come off dry or short. I’ve gotten a lot of “Are you okay?” or “Are you mad at me?” I’m fine. Blissfully unaware of my demeanor until it’s brought up again. Even the way I talk seems to rub some people the wrong way. I tend to replay conversations in my head, analyzing to make sure I said the right thing in the right way. It’s exhausting.

Mental Scripts and Social Math

I’m usually prepared for the conversations I have. I’ve already thought through every possible outcome. I’ve rationed just the right amount of energy to get through. But it’s the conversations I don’t plan for that throw me off. When I’m unprepared, around new people, in a new place, I get quiet. I’m watching and studying, trying to figure out what to say and when to say it. I’m wondering if it worked, if I’m being included, if I’ll be invited again.

Learning to Act “Normal”

When I think about how I started practicing conversations, I think about the shower. I did a lot of thinking in there. I would replay conversations and think of better ways I could have responded. Sometimes I just copied what other people said, how they reacted, even their facial expressions. I practiced my “soft face” in the mirror, but it’s exhausting trying to keep a face that doesn’t belong to me.

So what do I do? I stay quiet. I make sure to turn the corners of my mouth up. I stay hyper-aware of the vibe. I make eye contact, but not too much. I laugh at jokes. I only say nice things. I think hard about what I want to say before I say it.

Performing for a Living

I think that’s probably why I have no energy to hang out with friends on the weekend or after work. I’m a hairdresser, so most of my energy goes into putting on a show of warmth and normalcy for my guests. I feel like I have to, or else no one would come back.

Sometimes I’m really not sure who I am. That question alone can be exhausting. The people who barely know me often get the most energetic and loving version of me. But is that really me? Or is that a shield to protect myself from being criticized?

Honestly, I’m Fine

I have made slight peace with the way I operate. My circle is small, but they know my heart. They know I’m not mad. They know I’m far from emotionless. They know I’m just wired this way. I’m not mad, I’m just thinking. And yes, I already know how this post might be received.

I’m learning that the “real” me isn’t one or the other. It’s all of it. The overthinking, the rehearsing, the exhaustion, the warmth. It’s not a flaw. It’s a language I’ve learned to survive.